Tough Times Ahead...

Well, it's no question that we're blessed. We have a wonderful little boy who we love more than life itself, we have a wonderful ward that we are in, good friends to spend time with, wonderfully reduced rent, and a Heavenly Father who loves us.

That being said, we found out some horrible news today. After realizing I was spotting earlier today, I called the doctors and let them know. They had me come in and they did another ultrasound. We were able to see the baby, but it no longer had a heart beat. The doctor measured it and it looks as though it stopped developing at around 9-10 weeks (I was 11 weeks, 2 days). This is very shocking, and I'm admittingly past feeling. I'm just so shocked, I think. I just can't believe it!! I had some nagging doubts/suspicions a few weeks ago but then they went away. I never really thought I would actually lose the baby!!!!

This whole experience has just been such a roller coaster ride!! The month of August was the month that we decided to not even think about getting pregnant, so imagine my surprise when on the last fews of August, I found out that I was pregnant!!!! It was just so unexpected and I was AMAZED that it finally happened!!!! So we were happy and excited. I waited and waited for my first appointment and it finally came. So we went and found out the hard news that it was possible we would lose it. We waited that 2 weeks until the next ultrasound where we found out we were indeed going to have a baby! We were just so shocked and amazed that the baby actually pulled through! We couldn't believe it! And now today....just saddness and unbelief.

When I think about it, I still feel as though it was a miracle. It just didn't add up. I should have lost this baby 6 weeks ago! But we believe that this spirit just needed these short 11 weeks and that was it. I don't know if this will be one of the opportunities of raising it in the Millenium or not, but I hope so. I have no idea the way these things work, but I do know that it lived as long as it needed to. It really must have been a very special spirit to only have to live 11 weeks.

I don't really know where to go from here. This is such a difficult struggle, but I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and for my husband's knowledge. I know that I have lots of friends around me who will help me out too, but it still will not be easy and will have its moments...I remember this from last time.

Another One???????? Is This Even Possible???

So, I had my first ultrasound today....We didn't learn much of anything good. They did the wonderful, invasive ultrasound only to see basically nothing. I'm supposed to be about 7 weeks or so and there was just a big, dark oval in the picture. The ultrasound tech. was very nice and very reassuring, as was the doctor. They both sounded as though they believed it was just too early. This is what we're all hoping for, but as Nathan and I consider this possibility, it doesn't seem likely.

We found out we were pregnant almost 3 weeks ago (it was on a Friday). If the theory that it's too early to see anything is accurate, that puts me at about 5, maybe 6 weeks pregnant. That sounds all fine and dandy until I consider that getting a positive result on a home preggo test at about 3, maybe 4 weeks pregnant is almost unheard of. It still happens, but rarely.

It was still nice to hear such positive remarks, as opposed to when I miscarried back in February/March when the doctor ended his optimistic remarks with a straight, "you're probably going to miscarry." This was something I did not hear at all today.

So the doctor gave us two options: We could take some blood today and then again in a few days to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood and see how much it multiplies. Or we could just wait it out for two weeks, see what happens, and come back in for another ultrasound to see if anything has grown. Nathan really wanted me to get my blood drawn, but he was also not the one getting stuck with a needle. When I considered how often my blood would have to be drawn if this did turn into a successful pregnancy, I quickly ruled out that option. So we're going back on Monday, October 6th for another ultrasound.

Meanwhile, Nathan and I are trying our darndest to be positive and optimistic. I'm praying for a revelation that will just let me know what will happen, preferably that I will have a wonderful baby in my arms by the end of May. I don't think that will happen, the revelation part I mean. I know I said this back in March, but I just thought we were done going through this mess!! Two miscarriages is enough for one family to have to go through! I'm not sure I know many, if any, people who have had to endure more than two. I also never imagined that I would have two back to back. That is probably the hardest for me. I just dealt with this 6 months ago!!!!! I'm ready for a baby. Our family is ready for a baby! We know there is one waiting for us if only my body will get it's act together and just GROW IT!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for this downer blog. I just really felt the need to write, and since this is basically my journal and our own personal family history in the making, this is where it all ends up. Here for the whole world to read!

We'll keep you updated, but if you can, please keep us in your prayers. This is a hard thing for me to ask. I feel really....uncomfortable asking for it, but I really feel that we need it. Not just for the pregnancy situation, but also Nathan's job search and other issues in our family/life. We're really going through a hard time right now and this is just compounding it all, we feel. We know this is just a trial and that it can't last forever, but until it's over, it sure is hard!!!

Anyway. I think I'm just going to post this before it gets even more mushy. Now go watch some clips of The Office or something on You Tube to forget about this depressing crud...I know that's what I'm going to do. Good night!

Pregnancy Update...not so good...UPDATE

If you haven't noticed, I have taken off the floating baby on my side bar and the other thing under it that would tell me what was happening with my baby on that day...well, I have and not at all because I've wanted to.

Nathan and I went to the doctors yesterday(Monday Feb. 25) because I had been spotting A TINY bit since Thursday. We're talking hardly at all and only 1 time a day. but I was still concerned and wanting to make sure everything would be just fine. We were not expecting what we found at all. After a pretty long wait (typical) at the office, we were finally able to get the ultrasound. There was hardly anything to see. It just looked like a little bubble and it wasn't even big enough to get a measurement with. I assume, because of that, it was only about 4 weeks or so...so anyway, it should have big enough to see an outline of a baby and I should have definitly have been able to see heartbeat. The doctor was being very optimistic, until he just flat out said that he thought it would turn into a miscarriage, and I think he's right. I hope we're all wrong, but only time will see. He's having me come in for blood tests to measure the amount of the pregnancy hormone in my blood and that will tell us if I am losing the baby...

We'll keep you updated, but it doesn't look good.

Friday March 7, 2008
Well, today we went to the doctor and he did another ultrasound and it looks like I have officially lost the baby. I figured that I had, and it was probably on Sunday night. It was a bit depressing to see that it was gone, but it gives me some hope. With the baby I miscarried before Michael was born, my body didn't get rid of the pregnancy and I had to have a D&C. And then when I was pregnant with Michael, I ended up being induced and had a c-section, becuase my body wasn't dilating. I didn't think that my body actually knew what to do!
So on Sunday night when I started to really cramp hard, I was a bit relieved! I am hopeful that because my body got rid of the pregnancy on it's own that it does know what to do and I just have to give it the time it needs. Hopefully when I get pregnant again and it's a successful and happy pregnancy I will not be induced and I will go into labor on my own. I guess only time will tell!!