I have been debating on blogging about this for awhile now, and I finally decided that I will. A lot of you will think I'm crazy for posting this (Nathan included) for the world to see, but I figure that the reason for this blog is to document what happens in our family, and the downs are just as important as the ups.
I want to document this now so that when it passes (which I know it will, and I really can't wait for it to) I don't forget what it was like. I would hate for my daughter or a daughter in law, or anyone really, to be struggling with this and not know how to help her. I have a tendency to forget what a trial was like after it's past, and I really don't want to forget about this one.
It's really difficult to describe the feelings of post partum depression. Everyone has days when they feel sad. We've all been depressed now and then, but this is so much worse! It's difficult to do anything. I have half my mind telling me, almost screaming at me, to get off my butt and clean the kitchen, or clean the bathrooms, or go play with Michael, but it's almost as though I am physically incapable of moving. It's like there's a darkness around me. My mind is clouded with thoughts and I'm jumping back and forth between things that I should do, or things that I want, or reasons why I'm not good enough to do something. Now, my depression has rarely been as severe as what is depicted on the media or in television shows. I don't want to hurt myself or my children. The bad thoughts are directed towards myself.
I have also been struggling with anxiety. I don't know what is worse, feeling so incredibly down and out or not being able to sit or stand still because my mind and body is so full of worry. When I'm really stressed I can't stay still anymore. A part of my body has to be moving. When Xander was sick and we were in Canada, my in-laws probably thought I was nuts!! I was so stressed with the thought of something being horribly wrong and the fact that we didn't have insurance for him pretty much did me in. I feel horrible that I didn't visit with them much that day, but I couldn't focus on anything. It was horrible. It was really tough.
And poor Nathan! He has been so great through all this. He's been bending over backwards to accommodate me and to make up for where I am lacking. He has been making more time to hang out with Michael, he's great about holding Xander for me so I can finish up dinner or letting me get some time away in my room reading a good book. He's always willing to take my calls when he's at work so that I can vent or have someone to talk to when I'm feeling especially low. It's so great to know that I have him. He's always making the time to call me when he's working late (which is more often than not since Xander's been born), he checks in on me to make sure that I'm handling things well, and he comes home for a few minutes when I need him to. I'm so grateful for him and having him in my life makes all the difference. I really don't know how I would handle all this without him.
Because of Nathan's support and encouragement, I was able to talk to my doctor about 7-8 weeks ago and was prescribed an anti-depressant. It has made a world of difference!!! It's been so nice to feel more myself. It was amazing the first night I realized that I was starting to feel better. I was walking down our stairs, and I just started running down. Then when I got to the bottom, I jumped off. It was such a simple act, but it felt so good! I realized that it had been a while since I'd felt that way. And it's been getting better ever since!
Taking the anti-depressants haven't made me immune to the effects of the depression, though. It helps me handle my feelings better, but the depression is still there. It gets worse depending on how stressed I am, but I do find myself being able to manage that stress better and calm myself down. I notice that I am less anxious and fidgety since being on the anti-depressants. My life is better all around. Hopefully I wont be on them for too long; probably for a few more months.
I don't know why post partum isn't talked about a lot, but I know that it is out there, and I think it's more common than we think it is. Hopefully this blog entry will help someone who is feeling the same way. The biggest piece of advice that I have for anyone who feels they may be struggling with ppd is to not be afraid of talking!! Find someone that you can trust to listen to you. Don't be afraid to talk to a doctor and getting help. The most important thing for someone who is struggling with PPD is to have support.
Get that support, and things will be alright.
5 comments:
Amy, I am sorry, that has to be the worst. I have depression and take an anti depressant, I am worried it will get worse after the baby. I hope you continue to feel good. Love you!
Amy, you are very brave. As dad would say, "You go, girl!"
Amy, thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that this happened to you but I appreciate you sharing it with me. I now know who to come to if it happens to me on our next child.
I understand depression! I had such a hard time when I found out I was going to have two kids 12 months apart! Hang in there and feel better
i had it after kaden was born. it was awful - in so many ways. i never talked to anyone about it and it just made it worse. i remember one morning when i just left the our apt. i didn't tell spencer i was leaving or where i was going. i just started walking and thought that maybe living on the street would be the way to go. i just couldn't face going back to take care of things one more day. being primary pres made it so much worse. i cried out in the hall before going back to primary. i didn't even have to do anything that day, i just couldn't handle going in there. finally, i came out of it - but i learned from my experience and told my dr about what happened last time. he told me to make sure i tell him if it starts to happen again because there are things that can help. what a relief! but i hve a glimpse of what people with depression feel like. it's made me much more sympathetic towards them. and i hope i never go through that again!
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