Late Night Ramblings

In my high school and college writing classes, I would always struggling with how to begin and end my essays. I remember my teachers, friends, and proof readers always commenting on my lack of conclusions, or how my beginning needed a better intro and giving me suggestions for how to start it. Well, it turns out that not much has changed since those classes. I have my middle, but I have no beginning and no ending.

This post is just a bunch of ramblings. It's probably the most "real" post I've had in a long time. You know, I used to post things about my miscarriages like it was nothing. I wonder if it's just the stigma of PPD. No, I think I'm afraid of people reading that I don't always enjoy the life of a mother. The day to day crap that mothers sometimes have to endure. It's hard on days when Michael wants to do nothing but play with me! And I don't want to. But then I think that there will be a day when he wont want to play with me at all. And that makes me sad. It's like that song. The son wants to play with the dad all the time, but that dad is too busy. The boy grows up saying he's going to be just like his dad someday. He grows up, gets married and starts a family. Then the dad wants to spend time with the son and the son is too busy. It never happens. And that's going to be my life! I'm going to want to play with Michael and spend time with him, but then he's just going to want to go out and play with his own friends. I know that some of this is due to the PPD. I just pray that Heavenly Father will use Christ's atonement and make up for some of this. But I know that it's also my duty and responsibility to make an effort! It's something that I'm trying to do better with. But, I did play Hide-N-Seek with him today. That was fun. He just loves to play those games. And I also end up enjoying it too.

For bed time today we read a fun book. Although, I can hardly remember what book it was. After the book we sang a Halloween song together. It was so sweet and so fun!!!! It's a song that Mom sang to him last year and I started singing it to the boys about a month ago. I didn't realize it, but Michael has a pretty good memory of the words. The song goes like this:

I'm a mean old witch with a hat, I ride my broom with a cat, my shoes are pointy and
my chin is too. And you better watch OUT, cause I might scare you....I'm a mean old
witch with a hat...BOO!

It was so fun because when I started singing it, I would pause at the end of each line, just to see if he knew how it went. And for each line he did! Then I sang it again and he would occasionally join in, usually for the last few words in each line. Then he started singing it with me for the whole song. It was so fun. I was sitting on the bed with him directly across from me, with his feet in my lap and his bum by my toes. Our hands were also joined together and when I would put my hands down, he would--seemingly subconsciously--bring his hands back down and join them with mine again. Very sweet. We sang that song probably 10 different times. Every time we got to BOO he would poke me just under my chin. I love the memory of his face while we were singing this song! He just looked so happy and excited. I could just tell that he loved spending this one on one time with just him and his mom. I loved it too. I just love my little boy!!!
Michael is such a sweet special little boy. I love him so much and I'm so excited to see who he's going to be! I get so worried about what he'll remember from me and my horrible no good post partum depression. Today was not a good day. I was just feeling very down and gloomy. It didn't help that the weather was also very gloomy. Usually I love these days! I love the feel of fall in the air and the rain and the cold. But this week has just been so incredibly busy and stressful that today was just hard. I had been trying and trying to do everything and be everything that I needed to be this whole week, that I was just drained today. Finally I called Nathan and I just broke down. While we were talking I just started bawling and I felt so bad for Michael! He handled it well. He just played in the living room and hardly even seemed to notice. Finally I got off the phone and knew that I needed to go upstairs and pray my heart out to my heavenly father. Michael handled it so well. He stayed down stairs and hung out watching tv and playing. When I came back down stairs he asked if I was done crying. It just breaks my heart that he's had to see me cry more times than I can count. I don't know that I remember ever seeing my mom cry when I was younger!!! I just hope that he doesn't have any horrible memories from this last year. I know that we've made some good memories, but I worry so much about the bad ones. I worry that there have been more bad than good, although I'm pretty sure that's not true. Again, I just have to rely on the lord's atonement and that the things I was unable to do this last year will have been done anyway, and that Michael will not be damaged or influenced in a negative way. I have faith that the spirit can help teach him the things that he needs to know and that his questions and concerns were taken care of.

Experiencing post partum depression this last year was an interesting experience. It's definitely not one that I'd like to re-experience, and certainly not something I would wish upon ANYONE!!!! Although it has been tough, I have learned a lot. I'm intending on, in future posting postings, recording all the things I've learned from this post partum journey.

But for now, a teething Xander is screaming in his crib and needing some comfort. Good night!